There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I need to align my fucking chakras
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
