Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
