If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
