cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
