Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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