I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
