I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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