My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
