I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
