So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
