i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
