Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
