When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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