Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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