my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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