When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
