you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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