I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Floor bacon is actually really good
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
