alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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