I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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