I faked an abortion last night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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