i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
