Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
