How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
