i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize