So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
