MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
