Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
