Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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