You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just tell him i said nine months
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
