those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
