I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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