It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
