In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
