dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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