12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
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The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
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My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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