it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
