he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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