I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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