hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
