Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
no, he came in my armpit
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
