Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
