and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
