I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
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