I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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