Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Never underestimate the power of titties
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