If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
