In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!