# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.