Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"