My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.