I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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