Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she looked like the before picture.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
