I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
