Me too!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
