drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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