grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
