How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
