i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
