Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
