Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize