im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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